boy

today i am disgusted with myself for being a coward.

on the 500 on the way home, a boy in a blue hoody got on the bus somewhere by pitt. the bus was very crowded, so he had to stand and that's how i noticed the first thing about him: he had beautiful hands, like you would imagine a sculptor to have. i was sitting in the seat directly across from the back door and eventually he made his way back to stand in that doorway, where i got a good look at him in my window's reflection. i really wanted to talk to him. he rummaged through the bus schedules and opened one up to look at, then folded it back up and put it neatly away in its box. he was wearing brown pants. for a little while, i thought he was with a girl who had gotten on at the same stop as him and i studied them carefully for signs of interaction, but there were none, just coincidence in location, and eventually she moved further to the back of the bus. i desperately tried to formulate a plan of action. i considered writing my phone number down and handing it to him right before i got off, but it didn't feel right. by now i was looking at him directly, but he didn't notice. (i think the man sitting in the seat next to me got irritated cause he thought i was trying to read over his shoulder) what i really wanted to do was to ask him "have you eaten yet?" and then "come over, i'll make you something." for five blocks i rehearsed the words in my head. negley came up, i got up, started making my way to the front of the crowd, and didn't look back once.

i got off the bus, started up the negley hill, and glanced back to see that he had gotten off at the same stop. startled, i turned around and stood there, looking at his back as he waited for the light to change to cross. i knew this was my chance to say something, but i was paralyzed. for an instant, he looked back and i looked directly back at him but the instant passed and he looked away. maybe he was wondering why i was (apparently) waiting for the light, but standing ten feet away from the curb, hiding behind a light post. (i wasn't really hiding, i was only slightly behind it, but it might have looked that way.) all too soon, the light changed and he started across and away. without thinking, i walked towards him, even though my house is in the other direction and followed him for twenty feet before realizing that i was following him, a stranger and it didn't make any sense. before i stopped though, i noticed that he walked very much like a duck, and his brown pants were too short for him, showing off his clean running shoes. i turned around and trudged home, up the hill and more disappointed with myself than i have been in a long time.

so if you know or see a skinny, brown-haired boy in a blue zip-up hoody and brown pants that are too short for him, wearing running shoes and carrying a black messenger bag, and walking like a duck, with beautiful hands.. please tell him i would like to make him dinner.

ps. right before reaching home, i found, lying on the sidewalk, a puppy stuffed animal with a tangled piece of red ribbon around its neck. i almost stepped on it in the dark. seeing it there, lost, made me even more sad. i took it home as a reminder of letting things pass me by.