aw man. what am i doing? ive been in a bit of a funk lately in terms of tired apathy. and im only nurturing it by reading death cab lyrics and reading angsty blogs of people ive never met. im stuck in another of those in-between-length periods of time, where its not enough to go home and its too long to know what to do with. thus killing time in the cluster with nothing to say.
i acknowledged someone i knew today when i didnt have to, with a big smile to boot. arent you proud? im finding though, sometimes after i do that, when the other person actually starts talking to me, im suddenly at a loss of what else to do. i'm not a very good conversationalist with people that i only know a little bit. you know, the awkward stage between meeting for the first time and talking freely. hm i dont like to use the word awkward because ive found that situations are only awkward if i allow myself to feel uncomfortable, and i try to avoid that. okay, that stage that im not as skilled at. building comraderie.
this is odd, this feeling of apathy. i only need to distance myself a little bit to i know im not usually like this. i wonder if its a biological state or a reaction to external factors.
i dont like to talk about myself this much. not because i dont want to share, it just seems too typical to be self-centered. but maybe thats what some of you readers are looking for, being confided in. but more likely, youre just idly curious. i dont reveal enough of myself in this blog for anyone to establish an emotionally vested interest, i more just want to share happy thoughts, interesting things, memorable experiences. the sorts of things that will bring a smile to your face. there isn't much to reveal about me anyhow, thankfully i have very little conflict or drama in my life, which im glad about.
i suddenly realized i miss my family. i dont usually think of them very much while im at school. it's struck me as abnormal before and it still does, how little we communicate. all of freshman year, i spoke to my parents on the phone at most three times. occasionally i talk to my brother on aim but not so much now that i dont have dsl at home anymore. i dont want to become distant from him though, im afraid of that. a lot, i realize. i dont think about it very much though. i cant even say it's something i push out of my mind, because it doesnt even occur to me in the first place. he's just started middle school this year, the same school i went to. it was rather sweet when he was telling me about it over break, it brought back an era. how the blue raspberry vitapups still make your mouth and tongue bright blue and how running on the dirt track for the mile test is still crummy. wow when i think of how much of my life is contained in those years of middle school and high school, its crazy to think that my brother's only at the very beginning of that period. the insecurity, the drama, the "heartbreak." that's where he's going to be. i hope he turns out okay. wiser, not bitter. older, not cynical. secure, not afraid of being hurt.